Heavy on my heart

Its the thoughts or memories sometimes crop up. You think you'll be fine for a little while, then every breath and heartbeat brings a deeper sigh. Had a share of pleasure and tasted pain, we're human, its what we go through. Then theres a moment i think of him, remember him, his touch, his breath on my neck, skin, how his hands feel. How his eyes look at me, that slight smile, his laugh. How he sat beside on the couch, and felt his heat next to mine. worlds seemed to fall away. Everything, everyway we felt, touched, so known, nothing was a mystery, the jigsaw fell back into place. The room is a vaccuum without him, my thoughts echo in the emptiness, calling crying, my soul howls, the pain is private, the tears i hide. This would either scare him to reveal how i felt, or make him think. I dont know, god i feel so lost at times, so apart at times. It takes all my strength to get up in the morning, pull on a smile, clothes, and know hes not here. To physically go on, where id rather disappear to the lakeside and sit there. Then id be the mystery, lost, lost in my own world and thoughts. Sit there and wait for him to come. But i know thats selfish. I can admit my feelings upfront, and just be a man about it. What would it do? 'falling through space, and the angels dont help you, as they've all gone away' til that one angel whos face i know, catches, holds, flies. And rest within, him, me, the sun can rise once more.

Its Christmas

I sat in class this morning and stared out the window, still listening to the lecturer. I could see a beggar sitting far on the opposite side of the street, people walking by him, in suits, expensive suits. Those having winter graduation also walking past in their gowns, oblivious to his plight. Perhaps they didnt see him, why should they? they are excited and their parents proud of them on this day. I had to keep looking, i could see hope and pain in one form. He became the embodiment for Christmas for me right there and then. Where was the person to take him by the hand, clean up, and give him a hot meal? some people gave him money ( i counted 2). I had 40p in my pocket, I should have given him that. Some might say 'oh he'll just spend it on alcohol' maybe he will, maybe he wont. There are those who will say why doesnt he get a job. If he doesnt have a home, he cannot get a job.
I look at this world, am marvelled by the technological advances that we as a species have made, rocket ships into the vast universe, yet undiscovered, being able to talk via video and voice to countries thousands of miles away, and yet we have homeless, poverty, starvation, people living in a 'developed' country barely making ends meet. Where have we gone wrong, so blinded by our own scientific brilliance, our philosophical thoughts, sometimes i have to pinch myself to remind myself of how beautiful this world is, the most simple things, those that i am grateful for. And yet i feel pain that i cannot do enough to help, to save, maybe my brain is just tired and listening to Philip Glass doesnt help with the thoughts that rush through my synapses. THe lecture was on death and resurrection. Life after death, heaven and hell. THere came the old quotes of 'i've been taught to be good or else il go to hell', coming from an adult, that just seems too wierd and outdated, personally speaking. the threat of something so abhorrent and vile happening to someone, because they chose their own path in life, they did as much good as they could, but due to them not going to church every sunday, they will suffer for eternity. im not sure, no one can be completely certain, perhaps my dreams will help give me an answer. Not like last nights dream, a handsome guy with a really cute ass (il give you 2 guesses to who - you know who you are!!!) right, enough of that, its sleep time, i love dreaming.
night night, and il talk more before Christmas.
love and blessings
Stuart
xxx

et cupiditas est...?

When you cant speak, your mouth goes dry, your heart beats so fast, your palms sweat, you smile uncontrollably, when your eyes see nothing but each other. Kisses suspend time and space, everything feels complete when he is there, time away from him physically hurts. Spending time together just feels 'right', laying your head on his chest and listening to his heart beat as you drift off to sleep, arms wrapped around each other.
xx

new report on bird flu

Well well well, just read on sky news that there is a new outbreak of bird flu.....and right before Christmas! How incredibly well timed, lets scare people with bird flu before Christmas, so they can raise the price of turkeys, only organic over priced ones will be 'safe' enough to eat! How fucking convenient! Wonder if the price will rise.....watch this space.

Its cold

Dam the weather turned freakin cold tonight, well its been a bit chilly in the air all day, just had dog out and feck me, could do with a hot hunky cowboy to cuddle up to.....i can dream cant i?! ah well, time enough for that. Uni good, lectures fun, work a good giggle, heading to the pub with the guys from the office tomorrow at lunch time, im on a half day so i can enjoy coming home that bit earlier and gettin my theology assignment finished the enjoy a glass of wine and watch ugly betty...ok ok i know, sad! but i loves it! plus i hope Mark in the show doesnt fuck up the relationship with the photographer character Cliff, not really his type, but he would be a stable influence on the mode fairy! chortle tee hee!
off to drink tea and wait for the new season of Bones....David Boreanaz....drool!
Stuey
xx

Love

'Im gonna live my life, like every day is the last...it all goes by so fast.' never truer words spoken perhaps. Love is love, no rules set down by anyone, any other human. Why do so many perhaps deny themselves the feeling that exists in their soul. That feeling when i see him, my hands and breath tremble, my heart feels like it stops , time stops, theres just him and me. Those eyes look over, his lips break into a smile, i smile back. I want the world to just stop there and then, and just let us be that forever, his embrace, a sweet kiss one on top of another. Time begins again and people stare, the looks, the giggles, the looks of disgust and contempt (or is that perhaps jealously as well? a longing) but it doesnt matter. Nothing matters but love.
It feels like moving through fluid, the moonlight casts ghost light on his skin, he touches me, his blue eyes almost glowing in the ethereal light from the heavens. nothing needed to be said, my lips on his, his hearbeat beneath my hand, touches of innocence, purity. A bond that will not be broken. I would run for centuries to find him, hold him, bring him back. Each beat of my heart in this life beats for him, every last breath i would give for him. To fight, to hold, to love.
In the dying light of the last candle, he runs a hand through my hair, i smile and look back up, smiling back at me. I reach up and touch his dark hair, his strong jawline, over his shoulder and down his arms, only to kiss once more before sleep and shared dreams. Within those dreams we are the same, standing strong and proud, in love eternal.

God, im human

i love, i cry, i fuck up, i desire, i lust, i work, i hurt. i wish there was a soundtrack to life.
stuey
xx

Shakespeare can put it better than i

'Betwixt mine eye and heart a league is took,And each doth good turns now unto the other:When that mine eye is famish'd for a look,Or heart in love with sighs himself doth smother,With my love's picture then my eye doth feastAnd to the painted banquet bids my heart;Another time mine eye is my heart's guestAnd in his thoughts of love doth share a part:So, either by thy picture or my love,Thyself away art resent still with me;For thou not farther than my thoughts canst move,And I am still with them and they with thee;Or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sightAwakes my heart to heart's and eye's delight.'"

modern world, modern lives, stop, i wanna get off

I'm all for learning, starting over, working hard, but there comes some times in this modern world where we need to stop, to freeze in time and just 'be'. This modern world passes so quickly, it sometimes doesn't allow us to be human and take a check on our emotions, our souls and our bodies. Im pisces, a dreamer, a passionate lover (apparently, its been a while), creative, loving, caring, yadda yadda - still want to scream at this world, the governments, the soul-less corporations to just stop. Maybe i am too much of a dreamer, but what is wrong with that? All this confusing jargon, all these intricate laws and regualtions, no one to blame but humans ourselves. Why do we make things so dam complicated? what is the point...honestly? red tape here, red tape there, this isnt done because it has to go through days of paperwork, why? is it just an excuse to not do anything at all, im starting to think it is. Property prices here in the north of Ireland are the highest in Europe. Prices pushed so high by inflation (oh surprise a human creation) and fewer houses being built, first time buyers havent a hope to get a roof over their heads without having to rent a house at extortionaterates by greedy 'property developers', seriously people, stop with the avarice! RADIX MALORUM EST CUPIDITAS!!! It wont help when you are a cadaver on an autopsy table. No one can give you a voice then, you cant use your wealth. People being charged more to be more ecologically friendly (yet again, taxes created and imposed on us doing more for ourselves...erm, where is the sense in this?) Yes we all need to work hard to live, im not being workshy or anything like, i enjoy working, i just see no need in accumulating so much money and not spending it to help others, not saying give your money away, thats just silly! But living comfortably and honestly is better than hoarding it and demanding more like footballers - please that sort of wage should be paid to Police officers, fire fighters, teachers, surgeons, home help, residential care workers, the general person, not to a person who kicks a ball around a field...pathetic, and mps, pay them minimum wage, then they might actually work for their money, it makes me appreciate what is in my life more. But as of recent, ive been going back to the simple things in life that give me the most pleasure.....oi, dirty minds, not that (well, ok il admit yeah!) not all the time at least lol! But back into art, reading more, listening to different music, spending time with friends more, doing something as simple as lying on the bed with my dog curled up beside me and a good book. Ok rant over, some pic to drool over! love and blessings

stuey

xx

the pursuit of happiness

Revising my Art History this afternoon has given me some great quotes with regards to art, mass culture and materialism. Humans as a breed are like magpies, enticed by shiny objects, hoarding, posessions, and items that help / enrich their lives. Sure, i like buying new things like everyone else, but lately seeing stuff on television and the internet scares me. The extent of materialism grows every day. But this is a guilty person speaking, i bought an mp3 player, not a big expensive ipod or anything, but a small player for ease of carriage. The things that enrich my life are those we take for granted everyday. the sunshine, friends, family, air, the sea coast in the morning when the dawn is awkening, love, sex, smiles, tears, watching a true story movie on tv and sobbing into a tissue, promising yourself to be a better person. Lately i feel like im fucking up everything i touch at times, but then i remember the Victoria Wood quote 'Il probably blunder about through life, buggering it up like everyone else.' Cosmetic surgery - ok, im going to side with the actress Kate Winslet on this one, and age gracefully (well, disgracefully!!) why get your face sliced, diced, pulled, stretched etc so you look like a cat, permenant smile? Does it really matter if your teeth are not scarily white like snow, when in reality teeth have a slight creamy hint anyways? My dentist said my teeth were in good condition (ok, missing a few, but thats life) they are clean, washed at least twice a day, i eat fruit and veg everyday, bit overweight, and im not a big musclely Falcon-type porn star (though id love to work up to a really hunky body! but im not going to fall into the trap of using thousands of pounds to get implants to cheat nature) Thats the whole deal of it, cheating nature. BUt as we have seen, humans who fuck mother nature around, reap the disasterous consequences - severe weather going haywire etc. It feels like we're heading towards armageddon, and we bringing it on ourselves. As long as i can be with the man i love, il love and protect him til the ends of time.

fed up

I am sick and tired of this bloody country at times. How much longer will these 'politicians' pass the buck back and forth to each other, avoiding actually working at all costs (and still getting paid very handsomely) i hope they are running out of excuses not to work. The people of Northern Ireland are going to turn on you, fat lazy shites. For fuck sake, the apathy is dam awful. I was reading in a magazine about gays in the American Military, how if you are caught being gay and doing sexual acts for say a magazine or video, you get demoted, fined, bullied etc, butif you shoot and kill someone in custody 'by mistake' (using that term very loosely) a quick fine and its brushed under the carpet. I dont agree with war anyway, its all to do with money. Humans in political power seem to have this delusion that we the public are deeply stupid and believe every word they say. WHY do we continuously vote in conservative, racist, homophobic, lazy, selfish bastards? 'What fools these mortals be'
to actually think that being gay is worse than murder....erm i cannot see the logic here. No, the problem is in their head, they have a God complex and use the christian god as their attacking force. And they love to quote leviticus...even though that was written by a human, a mistake making, prejudiced human. They shout about Sodom and Gomorrah, even though they dont complete the story, by the way they were destroyed because of their refusal to welcome in and shelter people. not down to the fact that some gay people lived there. The Christians in the story even went as far as to offer their wives and daughters, as long as they didnt flirt with the men...hmmm male chauvanism at its best!! "ere, ave the wife, dont touch my cock, backs to the walls boys, they can 'ave our women, who gives a fuck, they do our dishes/food/everything really" Also the story of David and jonathan in the Bible. Read it carefully, you will see 2 accounts of this story, one where David is a bloodthirsty fighter, tough testosterone filled heterosexual, raping women he wants etc and getting away with it cause he is a man, and one where he cares, and is in love with Jonathan. I cannot wait til the next Gay Pride here, oh i shall laugh at the fundamentalists with their dour faces, the messages of hate and doom. Just because you cannot have slaves, and that women are now in positions of power (about time too!) you have to attempt to crush anything that does not fit in your tiny tiny world (and it is tiny!). Get a life and leave us alone, we have no interest in you and your sad bigoted hate filled ways, actually feel sorry for you sometimes. Plus, its a bit creepy how you're so obsessed with what goes on in other peoples bedrooms!! Right im off to do more revision, last exam tomorrow, just needed to have a rant!
love and blessings to everyone (i mean everyone!)
Stuey
xxx

Work, Study, Friends, Life

Its quiet in work at the moment, nothing to file, nowt to fix, nowt to do really! Brought a pack lunch with me (thought after a bowl of oatmeal with fruit, then eggs on toast im not really hungry at the moment!). Decided to bring the revision notes with me as well, good opportunity to get stuff done! though i have absolutely no idea how i am going to memorise 4 chapters of exegetical study on Galatians and James stuck into my head for my exam on monday, not to mention a load of Paul Theology (James is ok, but Galatians and Pauline theology are so BORING!) Ah well! Monday at 14:30pm is my first exam, after that im being picked up all being well by my good friend Vince to travel to their house and order my laptop (WOOHOO!) and of course il get a bottle of Gin on the way to theirs, always goes down well haha. and some wine, but i dont think il drink much, as il need to get stuck into my Art History revision for an exam on saturday - i mean what a day to have an exam on, i suppose it gives me an excuse to go into Belfast city centre after and buy a new pair of jeans (in desperate need! there are some serious hole moments going on in the crotch between the leg area, not good especially if im wearing my unflattering undies - those ones when all your good fancy ones are festering in the laundry basket!). David and Vince bought me an internet router thinger for Christmas, so i can chat and email from bed, living room, anywhere really! (thanks guys! you rock!) so with beer provided by moi, David said he will connect and set up the router box for me. I dont know what id do without those guys, they are so important to me, love them very dearly.
Okies, time to get back to doing some revision and wandering around the office, cadging a ciggy off a comrade! Y'all have a fantastic day,
love and blessings
Stuey
xx