Heavy on my heart

Its the thoughts or memories sometimes crop up. You think you'll be fine for a little while, then every breath and heartbeat brings a deeper sigh. Had a share of pleasure and tasted pain, we're human, its what we go through. Then theres a moment i think of him, remember him, his touch, his breath on my neck, skin, how his hands feel. How his eyes look at me, that slight smile, his laugh. How he sat beside on the couch, and felt his heat next to mine. worlds seemed to fall away. Everything, everyway we felt, touched, so known, nothing was a mystery, the jigsaw fell back into place. The room is a vaccuum without him, my thoughts echo in the emptiness, calling crying, my soul howls, the pain is private, the tears i hide. This would either scare him to reveal how i felt, or make him think. I dont know, god i feel so lost at times, so apart at times. It takes all my strength to get up in the morning, pull on a smile, clothes, and know hes not here. To physically go on, where id rather disappear to the lakeside and sit there. Then id be the mystery, lost, lost in my own world and thoughts. Sit there and wait for him to come. But i know thats selfish. I can admit my feelings upfront, and just be a man about it. What would it do? 'falling through space, and the angels dont help you, as they've all gone away' til that one angel whos face i know, catches, holds, flies. And rest within, him, me, the sun can rise once more.

Its Christmas

I sat in class this morning and stared out the window, still listening to the lecturer. I could see a beggar sitting far on the opposite side of the street, people walking by him, in suits, expensive suits. Those having winter graduation also walking past in their gowns, oblivious to his plight. Perhaps they didnt see him, why should they? they are excited and their parents proud of them on this day. I had to keep looking, i could see hope and pain in one form. He became the embodiment for Christmas for me right there and then. Where was the person to take him by the hand, clean up, and give him a hot meal? some people gave him money ( i counted 2). I had 40p in my pocket, I should have given him that. Some might say 'oh he'll just spend it on alcohol' maybe he will, maybe he wont. There are those who will say why doesnt he get a job. If he doesnt have a home, he cannot get a job.
I look at this world, am marvelled by the technological advances that we as a species have made, rocket ships into the vast universe, yet undiscovered, being able to talk via video and voice to countries thousands of miles away, and yet we have homeless, poverty, starvation, people living in a 'developed' country barely making ends meet. Where have we gone wrong, so blinded by our own scientific brilliance, our philosophical thoughts, sometimes i have to pinch myself to remind myself of how beautiful this world is, the most simple things, those that i am grateful for. And yet i feel pain that i cannot do enough to help, to save, maybe my brain is just tired and listening to Philip Glass doesnt help with the thoughts that rush through my synapses. THe lecture was on death and resurrection. Life after death, heaven and hell. THere came the old quotes of 'i've been taught to be good or else il go to hell', coming from an adult, that just seems too wierd and outdated, personally speaking. the threat of something so abhorrent and vile happening to someone, because they chose their own path in life, they did as much good as they could, but due to them not going to church every sunday, they will suffer for eternity. im not sure, no one can be completely certain, perhaps my dreams will help give me an answer. Not like last nights dream, a handsome guy with a really cute ass (il give you 2 guesses to who - you know who you are!!!) right, enough of that, its sleep time, i love dreaming.
night night, and il talk more before Christmas.
love and blessings
Stuart
xxx